The Daily ProphetPresents 'Sev the Answer Guy' 'Sev the Answer Guy' by Daily Prophet Resident Artist Paul Selvey Imagine, if you will, a resource for solid, level-headed advice. The Wizarding equivalent of Dear Abby. The Daily Prophet is a newspaper similar to most other newspapers. It has to have its agony aunt or uncle, as it were. And perhaps our favourite Potions Master supplements his teaching salary by being.....Sev the Answer Guy! Could it be? We'll let his readers decide! Please Note: All letters to Sev the Answer Guy should be owled to: Sev the Answer Guy Alternately, send your e-owls to Sev's amazingly talented and gorgeous witch of a secretary, Emma . ******** Fall 2001 ************* And here come the post owls into the Great Hall, bearing the Daily Prophet with the return of the wizarding world's favourite agony uncle, Sev the Answer Guy..... Psychological problems abound as Sev tackles this newest crop of letters as Hogwarts enters a new term. Apparently, the world's gotten a little less stable, but Sev takes it on with words of brutal honesty and tells it like it is. Dear Sev the Answer Guy: Help. My life's too complicated. It's starting to give me a headache. First there's the girl. And she's really really cute and she thinks she isn't gorgeous, I bet, but she is totally, and I'm really really getting stupid butterflies in the stomach and buzzy adrenaline rushes whenever I'm around her. And then there's this guy I know, too. He's like all dark and brooding and he really cares about her. And my... well... I know that she loves him and he loves her and they'd be great in a relationship together, and all this, but I'm really thinking I'll lose him as a friend and her as a prospect! And plus I'm jealous as anything and getting guilty as sin because of it. Well, it's worse then that. I'm also having other problems. I can't remember things. And I dream weirdly. And then I wake up and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm still dreaming or not coz I keep remembering things that I don't understand. And then really bad things happen and I think sometimes I'm not me, and that's really scary, coz who am I? And what happens if I start not being me when I'm asleep... anything could happen! And... sometimes I hear music and feel like I can fly, and that's cool, and sometimes I'm just me, but then sometimes... sometimes there's something dark in me and it's stronger then I am. Oh, and I have a third problem. It's my wand, the wand I bought before coming to school. It's a big wand but it droops. And I found out the other day that it elongates to be taller then I am, but that isn't a problem, it's just this droop, and the fact that it just ain't doing the magic. Is this normal and where can I get it sorted out? Continually Confounded Dear Confounded: First of all, women are nothing but trouble, and you'll certainly be distracted from your schoolwork if you allow yourself to moon moronically over this witch that has captured your fancy. And guilt is a waste of emotion. Either do something or don't, but don't waste time feeling bad for what you haven't done, or what is already past. It is also distracting from your schoolwork. Secondly, get some sleeping potion that is of the proper dosage. I believe Madame Pomfrey and your Potions Master can help there. Your wand, and I do dearly hope for your sake, young man, that you are referring to the magical creation and not using vulgar slang, needs to be replaced with a proper one. I assume this is not an Olivander's creation, and I am forced to wonder what would possess any idiot not to buy an Ollivander's wand…but there, I have answered my own question, it seems. Overall, learn to spell, do your work, and cease to be such an overly dramatic and idiotic young man. ~Sev the Answer Guy *************** Dear Sev, I have voices that talk to me in my head. They tell me to do things, and if I refuse, they hurt me. What is wrong with me? Worried Dear Worried: You're obviously a psychopath. Please remove yourself from normal wizarding society and go to St. Mungo's for treatment immediately. ~Sev the Answer Guy ********The Archives *********** Summer 2001 Dealing with vampires, cheesy 70s tunes and flirting on the job, all in this edition of Sev the Answer Guy. Words of timeless wisdom, delivered with brutal honesty as Sev tells it like it is. Dear Sev: I'm a modern, independent witch with a mind of her own. I've been called cheeky a few times, but really, I'm not a bad sort. Ambitious, maybe, but no one can be faulted for that. So I work as a secretary. And my boss is…an interesting sort. He sings "Brandy, You're a Fine Girl" when he thinks no-one is listening as well as Tom Jones tunes that I don't even want to contemplate, and tends to take out his frustrations on poor beleaguered me. I can't help it that I'm popular, or that I gather admirers when I go clubbing, or that I'm being looked at by other employers. It's my stunning combination of brains, beauty and talent. So here's my question, darling Sev. How to get I get my boss to stop singing cheesy tunes from the 70s and let bygones be bygones? And how do I break it to him that eventually, I'm going to move onwards and upwards from the secretarial position? Not Brandy, but a Fine Girl Dear Not Brandy: Songs from the 70s are not cheesy! I rather like "Brandy, You're a Fine Girl." This proves that you have little taste in music. Your boss sounds like a fine, intelligent and probably devastatingly handsome wizard, and I think you ought to value his opinions more highly. And by the way, I'm docking your pay for this little stunt, Emma. No more inserting yourself into my column. ~Sev the Answer Guy **************** Dear Sev the Answer Guy, I've been at Hogwarts for a while now. Am a moderately good student and happy even if I was sorted to the best House but unable to take up residence because certain nameless rich kids parents had pre-booked them places there! My problem is that I think I may be too well-adjusted for my school. (Except for lack of significant other which I have pretty much come to terms with and is probably linked to my having no angst, past or dreamy floaty hair). Yes, my problem is I have no problems! It appears that I have no 'past', no siblings or parents breathing down my neck or any huge family secrets, am also not homicidal or the target of dark plots. Shockingly I am also not an animagus! Is there a solution to my problem? Sensible, Not of Slytherin (PS: If you really are a vampire like some of the kids say could you bite me so I can have broody angst?) Dear Sensible: I am not a vampire, thank you very much. Honestly, where do you people get these insane ideas? Angst is not all it's cracked up to be, and personally, I find dreamy-floaty hair obnoxious. Normalcy in any witch or wizard is a rarely-obtained state. Appreciate it for what it is. And, as a point, asking a vampire to `bite me' is really bad form. But since you're being taught Defence Against the Dark Arts by a certain personage who will remain unnamed, it's really not surprising that you do not know the subtleties of dealing with dark creatures. ~Sev the Answer Guy **************** Dear Sev the Answer Guy, I am a simple girl with a simple problem. For the last few months this very handsome wizard has been coming into my place of work and we have been flirting. I am quite attracted to him and I think he likes me as well. However, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I think the main problem is this spoilt teenager that he has been stuck with baby sitting by his employer. He gets very defensive if I bring up the subject of her and while he's a load of fun when she's not around he becomes totally poe-faced and boring when she is. How do I get him to spend more time with me and dump the annoying little brat? Frustrated of Hogsmeade Dear Frustrated: Flirting on the job? Well, I suppose these sorts of things are to be expected from young people. But they certainly are not productive! If this young wizard is serious about perusing you, his bringing his charge along is definitely sending a mixed signal. In fact, to me, it suggests a certain hesitancy on his part to begin a relationship, for he's using his charge as a barrier between you two. Obviously, he's not madly in love with you. Now get back to work! ~Sev the Answer Guy ***************** May 2001 Weeding out the harem and the virtues of torture versus a swift death, all in this week's Sev the Answer Guy. Words of timeless wisdom and brutal, unbiased honesty...stop giggling, Emma, it's undignified. Dear Sev, I'm really having problems with girls - I know far too many and they all want me! And I don't know what to think. Somehow it feels good to be wanted, but then I think I should decide on one of them, shouldn't I? But I don't know which one, they're all so cute... What should I do? Sleepless in Slytherin Dear Sleepless: Count yourself amongst the fortunate that there are girls willing to want you. Decide if you want, let them fawn if you don't. But do weed out the other houses from your harem, if nothing else. However, don't you dare let it interfere with your schoolwork. That is what you are at Hogwarts to do. And don't think I'm not watching you. ~Sev the Answer Guy **************** Dear Sev, the Answer Guy. I have a problem at School. You see, I've tried to hard to fit in to this new school after having to leave my old one after an 'incident'. Since I've been here I've tried so hard to show everyone how wonderful I am but the other girls are so jealous because I'm so much prettier than they are! One boy, who for this mail I will call Norman, was wonderful. He was obviously totally in love with me and things were going perfectly until a 'friend' of his turned up. If it had been another girl it would not have been a problem as she could not have been as wonderful as me. But it's a boy! And well, I don't want to cast aspersions, but well, Some thing I just can't compete with, if you know what I mean! I tried so very hard to be nice, and even tried to sink down to their level, but it didn't help, they just treated us like a freak! So I'm back to my old self now. Anyway, my question is this: Do I just kill them all quick or should I torture them a bit first? Modest of Slytherin. Dear Modest: Torture them a bit. Not enough that it's noticeable to the higher authorities, but enough to make them want to die. Oddly enough, that can be overall more satisfying than simple death. After all, one spell and they're gone in a flash of green and then what do you do with them? They're gone and all you've got is a curse trace on your wand...wait, why am I talking about this? Emma, strike that. No, stop typing. I'm not dictating anymore! Emma, stop, dammit! ~Sev the Answer Guy Emma's note: Somehow, I think Sev's going to stop having me take dictation. Spring 2001 Sororical hatred, sexual frustrations and more in this week's Sev the Answer Guy. Words of timeless wisdom, addressing your deepest problems in a way only Sev can. He's brutally honest, and we're all the better for it. Dear Sev: Is it wrong to hate your sister? Mine is horrible. She is engaged to a perfectly awful man, and I feel sorry for her...but I also feel as though she deserves it. My sister is a graduate from Beauxbatons, and the only other girl in my family. My parents believe she's perfect, and maybe she looks that way. She's beautiful, and smart, but she is always incredibly cruel to almost everyone. If people don't fit into her narrow standards of perfect, she ruthlessly belittles them until they either leave or die in the process. She is even mean to me, unless I have something that she wants. She believes that I should be perfect, too. But why should I fit into her idiotic mould? I am me, not her, and I will never want to be anything like her. She may believe she's perfect, but everyone that's not like her knows how far she is from it. What do I do? Bite my tongue as she hacks away at all my friendships? Or do I tell her off? ~Annoyed Dear Annoyed: She sounds perfectly fine. What is your problem? ~Sev the Answer Guy **************** Dear Sev the Answer Guy, I hope that you can help me, I'm at my wits end. I have been seeing a boy since I transferred schools a month or so ago, and I care about him a great deal. I am sure that he feels the same way about me, but I can't make sure as he's currently not very verbal. My problem is this: At my last school I became seriously involved with an older boy, my brother's best friend as a matter of fact, and things progressed rather further than I had planned. Anyway, I thought that I loved him but since I have been involved with my new boyfriend - who for the sake of argument I'll call Arnold - I understand what love really is. This situation lasted for about a month or so, during which time we made use of almost every opportunity to be together, privately if you understand me. Then I had to leave the school, through no fault of my own, and I decided that it would be best if we didn't see each other again. All was well, I was happy in my new relationship, until the other day I received a letter from the old boyfriend saying he still loved me and wanted me back. Obviously that isn't even a consideration but what do I tell Arnold? When the time comes, as I am sure that it will, when we wish to take our relationship further, what do I tell him? I know that he will be upset but I have to tell him, don't I? I'd appreciate any advice you can offer me. Sincerely, Regretful in Ravenclaw Dear Regretful: Do you have to tell him? Well, that depends, now doesn't it? If you're going to continue to sleep around with every good-looking wizard who gives you the time of day, you might have to tell Arnold, now won't you? Young witches equate love with sex. If Arnold is a gentleman, you shouldn't have to do anything physical with him for him to be in love with you. If he isn't a gentleman, then why are you wasting your time with a no-account wizard? Really, you're in Ravenclaw. Have some dignity, act with intelligence, and stop putting out all the time like a gutter tramp. ~Sev the Answer Guy **************** Winter 2001 In this edition of Sev the Answer Guy - Dear Sev, My boyfriend had an unfortunate accident in class, and was confined to the Hospital Wing. I went outside to play Quidditch, but ended up walking on the grounds. Well, to make a very long story quite short I ended up kissing a boy who is not my boyfriend. And I kept kissing him. (There were mitigating circumstances, I swear!) Someone walked up on us and saw. Well, this was, to say the least, bad. Now that the dirty little secret was known by three people (and while I trust the 'witness', I don't trust the boy I kissed (henceforth known as 'Bob'), and was afraid that Bob would tell my boyfriend.) So I told him. Which was, I confess, stupid and naïve, but I afraid that one of us would let something slip. Understandably, he was very, very upset. Now I feel horrible-it was a stupid, stupid thing to do, and I hurt someone I love. What should I do? Sincerely, Stupid in Slytherin Dear Stupid in Slytherin, Well, I tend to think you're better off without him. The accent, the attitude, and let's not discuss his abilities... You were stupid and naive. But now you can find yourself a suitable match in your own House, and put aside this foolishness. Sev the Answer Guy ******************* Dear Sev the Answer Guy, I find myself attracted to my teacher. It feels very right but society will condemn us. What shall I do? Confused Dear Confused Have you ever considered society will condemn you for a very, very good reason? I suggest you put off this juvenile foolishness and find yourself a relationship with someone acceptable. Certainly not your Professor! Sev the Answer Guy Return to Snape's Profile.
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